March, 2026
Codependence is a much-used term which means different things to different people. It is commonly defined by a laundry list of symptoms.
For most professionals and lay people, codependence is associated with:
a sacrifice of one’s own needs (compulsively and reflexively)
boundary problems marked by an inability to say no to others
giving “too much” to others
being taken advantage of
However, there is another way of understanding codependence, a way I prefer, which comes from the late Pia Mellody.
According to Pia, codependence is a condition of emotional immaturity which impacts the individual in five core areas: self-esteem, boundaries, reality, dependency, and moderation/containment.*
Immaturity can be seen when individuals live in the extremes of these areas.
For example, one can have self-esteem issues by feeling “less than” others (often called the “one down” position), but can also have esteem issues if they feel “better than” others (the “one up” position). Both extremes, “less than” and “better than,” are immature as they are equally removed from truth—that is, all people have equal value.
Here are the other four core areas, followed by their one down and one up extremes, each of which indicate immaturity (codependence):
- Boundary Issues: Too Vulnerable vs. Invulnerable
- Reality Issues: Bad or Rebellious vs. Good or Perfect
- Dependency Issues: Too Dependent vs. Anti-Dependent or Needless/Wantless
- Moderation/Containment Issues: Out of Control vs. Controlling of Others
As you might have noticed, that initial listing of common codependent symptoms describes the “one down” parts of the model. Giving too much of oneself. being taken advantage of, and not being able to say no are part of what it can mean to be codependent.
But, as you can see, codependency can be present in the belief that sacrifice is what others do for me (better than), in the inability to be vulnerable with others (invulnerable), and giving/sharing “too little” (anti-dependent).
However codependence is presented, it can cause serious problems with ourselves and with others.
As you look over the various core issues:
1) Is there a core area which you find particularly problematic?
2) Can you see how this may have created problems between you and people close to you?
3) And if so, how will you go about fixing it?
Until next month,
Mark
*Mellody, P., et al. (1989) Facing Codependence. New York: Harper Collins.
If you are interested in further explanation of Pia Mellody’s Model of Immaturity or wish to schedule a consultation, I may be reached by email at [email protected], or by phone 626.429.5469.