January/February, 2026
In my recent interactions with clients and in personal relationships, there is a common theme: that much of contemporary life is confusing and unpredictable. We see this throughout the world and in our own nation. On a personal level, there are ways in which this macro-level chaos (national and international upheaval) impacts our personal sense of peace and tranquility.
Yet far more frequently, people’s sense of calm is disrupted by everyday interactions with those around us, with whom we are familiar; there are people in our lives who bring confusion and chaos on a regular basis!
Chaos and confusion occur when we have our reality attacked, which is called a boundary violation: This includes: 1)our sensory reality (what we experience with our five senses), 2)our thinking reality (what we think about our sensory experiences), and 3)our emotional reality (what we feel about these experiences).
For example, a person may violate our boundaries by insisting 1)that we didn’t hear or see something we know we did; 2)that we are wrong, or even crazy to think how or what we think; and/or 3)that our emotions related to a circumstance or event are illegitimate. Needless to say, these experiences are distressing if you are on the receiving end of an attack.
The solution to combat these boundary attacks is a tool taught to me by the late Pia Mellody: the Listening Boundary. When we are attacked (blamed, mocked, yelled at) by someone, it is our right and responsibility to protect ourselves. This is where the Listening Boundary can be used. It allows us to listen to another with curiosity, without taking in that person’s abusive words and getting upset by them.
The Listening Boundary reminds us to consciously create physical, cognitive, and emotional space from the other person; to accomplish this I have clients imagine a bubble surrounding themselves which other’s words will hit and stick until my clients decide the accuracy and legitimacy of what the other has said. We practice slow, deep breathing to regulate our emotions, and we realize that what is being said to us is created by the other’s reality (which is different than ours). If we agree with the comments, we allow them in and have our own thoughts and feelings about the comments. If we don’t, we employ our bubble and resist having a reaction. If the person continues to force their opinion upon us, we ask them to stop. If they do not, we remove ourselves physically from the situation.
Going back to macro-level issues, we can employ the Listening Boundary there also. Before we react to a media account or news passed onto us from others, we can pause. It is important to not react without going through the Listening Boundary steps. If we react, we soon find ourselves dysregulated and upset.
As you read this ask yourself:
1)Who (or what) am I allowing to upset me?
and
2)How can I stay regulated (feeling balanced, confident) more of the time?
Until next month,
Mark