August/September, 2025
In a previous post, I wrote about “healthy” shame—shame that tells us we messed up and need to course-correct.
Today, I write about toxic, or carried shame, shame that does nothing constructive for the individual, but harms them deeply.
Carried shame occurs when adults have been acting in a manner where shame would be an appropriate response, but, instead of admitting to their actions, they act as if their behavior (like being drunk at a family gathering) is no big deal.
When a child sees a caregiver in that compromised state, he naturally feels uncomfortable by what he sees. Dad should be embarrassed by drunkenly stumbling while greeting family at Thanksgiving, but if he is not in touch with his inappropriate behavior, the minor child feels and carries that shame for the parent.
If this happens consistently over a childhood, a shame core develops in the child. This has consequences for that child’s future interactions as it creates feelings of worthlessness, or “less than,” in the person.
Fast forward to a future situation where that adult child, now much older, trips and falls when climbing stairs. Under normal circumstances where there is no carried shame, the individual feels some mild or even moderate embarassment which would dissipate after a few minutes.
When a person with carried shame experiences that same circumstance, the feeling is often overwhelming to the point where the individual will often start to feel like he is getting smaller. Replaying the situation repeatedly in one’s mind can also occur, which contributes to more “less than” feelings.*
As you read this, ask yourself:
Can I relate to the child carrying shame for his parent?
Is there anything I need to do about my overwhelming (carried) feelings?
Until next month,
Mark
*Mellody, P., Miller, A.W. and Miller, K.(1989) Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, and How It Sabotages Our Lives. New York: Harper Collins.