Mark’s Blog

September/October, 2023

The answer to the question is…yes. Both!

Unlike many in mental health and society at large, I believe in the value of shame. But not all shame—just “healthy”, or our own shame, as opposed to the “unhealthy” or carried shame, which is a product of less-than-nurturing caregiving and has no place in a functional adult person. For this post, I will focus on the healthy version of shame.

When people have their own shame, they experience it as a mild or moderate feeling of embarassment which comes about as a result of some mistake that tells us we are imperfect, that we are human and flawed*(like everyone else!) No better, no worse.

Feeling shame is a warning system which allows an individual a chance to “course correct” from behavior which may be offending to others. When we feel our own shame we admit our faults to those around us, which in turn has the potential to create intimacy with the other. When we don’t get in touch with our imperfection, we put ourselves in a “one-up”, superior position with others that does not allow for emotional intimacy.

Here are a few things to ponder:

How do I manage embarassment? How often do I apologize when I mess up?

Am I constantly putting on a mask of having it all together? How has this kept me from deeper, more meaningful relationships?

These concepts are best articulated by my mentor, Pia Mellody, in her seminal book, Facing Codependence. I urge you all to pick up a copy as there are many nuggets of wisdom in this book.

Next Month: Carried Shame

Until next month,                                                                                                           

Mark

*Mellody, P., Miller, A.W. and Miller, K.(1989) Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, and How It Sabotages Our Lives. New York: Harper Collins.